The Only Thing To Do Is Go Up...

And sometimes frustration just takes over in every aspect of your life.

The last few weeks have been non stop busy for me, which isn't a bad thing, but it definitely hasn't helped with some of the lingering frustrations I have.

I'm in the middle of my season right now with my Bentley ladies, and I think sometimes the hardest thing about being a coach is watching a team with the most potential in the world, not necessarily compete at the level you know damn well that they could.

My college coach was somehow able to get us all on the same page of giving it our all in every practice and every game to really believe in each other, and really work for every.single.success. that we would have... and we did.

And we had successes and we also had failures, but either way, our hearts were all in.

We were either rewarded with a sweet victory, or broken by a failed attempt.

But our hearts were there.
150%.

And sometimes I just wonder if my girls hearts are all in, and every girl on the field is all in and believing in the potential they have. I wish I could reach in and make them feel how sweet those hard earned victories can really feel.

The motto on the back of the team shirts is "As bad as you want to breathe," which is from one of the best youtube motivational videos I have ever seen.

[It might be long, but you can't tell me after you watch it that you aren't motivated]

And I'm just waiting and trying every way I can to have that motto played out for me on the practice field, and translate onto the game field.

Aside from coaching, I've had November Project, a 5k, and now also a Half Marathon...

Those Monday mornings have been going well with the running and circuit work, and on the shorter runs, my pace has been getting better and more consistent... although I'll still leave extra early to prepare for turtle pace.

Wednesdays... oooof... I don't think the Stadium will ever really get easier, but I am able to do more sections now, and push myself a little harder on them. I'm still no where near Allie or Matt's Stadium level, but due to them being pretty solid at it, it gives me something to work towards.

Fridays... I'm still battling the hills, but I have improved a little bit! Last time I went I was able to run up more of the hill than previous times and I plan to work on coming down the hill a little slower, to enable pushing myself on the way up a little harder... 

I have to. 

I participated in the Boston Electric Run down at Gillette Stadium October 4th... and boy was that fun.

I already want to run one again. 

I ran with my friend Matt and I still regret not having started a stopwatch to figure out our time, because even with running up and down the ramps of the Stadium, I feel like I had a decent run. 

The course covered in neon and loud music was right up my alley... 

Think they'd do that for the entire 26.2 of the Boston Marathon?? :)

Then... 

it happened... 

The B.A.A. Half Marathon... 

My thing with training at this point in my life is figuring out what works and what doesn't. 

And I found out today, not having gotten the mileage I had prior to previous races hurt me today.

I was hoping the cross training of November Project would be my success story, but I've found I can't leave out the mileage and full on running training from my pre-race strategy. 

When I first started running today, my legs felt extremely tight, and not just from the non-stretching, but they felt tight from toe to hip... 

I pushed through and managed to have a solid first part of the course. 

I ran my first 5 miles in 45 minutes, which is good for me and I was happy with that... 

then again, with this course, this was mostly on a downhill slope.. 

Then as the hills started to incline, and incline some more... 

A familiar [non]friend returned. 

The knee pain. 

I almost started to cry the minute I took a stride and felt it again. 

I knew it would be there the rest of the race... post race... and will most likely stick around for a while. 

If I could put it into words to explain my frustrations with this I would... 

okay... whatever... I'll try anyways.

As most of you know I've had knee issues for some time now... 

Put myself through 4 years of three sports in high school [some seasons even doubled up].... 

4 years of Division I field hockey... 

2 knee surgeries... 

Countless hours of physical therapy and ice baths... 

Unstoppable tears and hours of phone calls to my best friend to vent my frustrations... 

And now for some reason I continue to push my knees probably harder than I'm suppose to. 

I go through ups and downs all year. 

I can go from having a PR in a 5k... 

to icing my knees for a week straight and having trouble even just walking. 

There's so many goals I have set for myself. 

SO many. 

And SO many of those being of an athletic nature that these setbacks are really starting to get to me. 

Hence that even typing this right now is making my eyes water. 

It seems each workout as of lately that I have a little setback and don't reach a small goal I have set for myself... 

"Stephanie don't let this person pass you" and then I get passed.... 

"Stephanie get to this section in this amount of time" and then not making the time cut.... 

Or like today... 

"Stephanie at least get a PR, but if you can, break 2 hours".... 

and then ending with no PR and no breaking of 2 hours. 

I don't believe these are unrealistic goals I have for myself... 

I really don't. 

And I'm tired of people still congratulating these efforts 

[it's a double edged sword, it's nice but I'm frustrated],

Or if I say that I don't know if I trained enough, and hearing back how much of an athlete they think I am... It's not enough. 

As I said I'm figuring out what works and what doesn't. 

What I'm doing now isn't 'not' working, but it's not totally working either. 

I've never had an easy route to reach things that I want to reach, so I don't know why I would expect anything differently now. 

I think I have to start making more time to work in some physical therapy exercises; rest my body; and get the mileage in. 

When will I get these things in? Good question... 

I already feel that my schedule is full from sun up to sun down.... but I'll make it work. 

Back to the full leg icing...

These may all be personal goals of mine, but I want them. 

I want to feel the satisfaction of working hard and earning that "feel good feeling". 

I want to stop having the feeling of not being good enough.

People might think I'm crazy. People might think I'm being too hard on myself... 

But I don't care. 

I want to succeed at my goals. 

I want to get it to that point of wanting it as bad as I want to breathe. 

I've never been a half-ass person, and I don't want to start now. 

Today, in my mind, the half marathon was a setback. 

Whether in training or just in the aching in my body... 

it was a setback... 

a. 

complete. 

mental.

set. 

back. 

But as with any setback... the only thing to do is go up...